We all experience suicidal ideation at one time or
another, and in varying degrees of seriousness. If I were to do the deed, I
would make it look like an accident, and I would do so without causing a
wreckage and putting anyone else in danger. In fact, I have what is in my head,
the perfect method. I have researched my method in detail and how the moments
leading up to my death would feel, including a few survivor's stories. I
chanced upon reading about Near Death Experiences (NDE), mostly those of
non-suicides. But I was curious, so I continued browsing. I have read
everything from people experiencing what could only be described as
"Heaven," and even a few of "Hell," as well as everything
in between and more neutral albeit no less impacting stories
In one person's NDE story, God asked him, "What have
you learned? Whom have you helped?"
Although I don't believe in "God" as an anthropomorphized being, I tried to ask myself the same questions. But I couldn't answer in full. In fact, they sounded quite tepid and pathetic in my head.
Someone suggested perhaps the reason we are on this earth
is to learn how to deal with depression, how to confront our problems and
demons no matter how difficult, instead of running away. All I know, is these
are the cards I was dealt. And while I may hate myself and my inadequate brain,
it is all I have. We all have to make of ourselves and our lives what we can.
The truth is no one really knows what happens after death (unless, you believe
in a religion that says otherwise), but we have free will while we are alive.
It's not your brain chemical imbalance or unfortunate circumstances that make
you who are, it is the choices you make despite them.
