Lump

I think I must enjoy being this lying lump of pity
yearning still for your dissipating memory,
I exhausted it long ago.
Would you be scared to know
I still piece it together
with scraps and glue
with obsession and gloom
with my own heart's desire for an artificial fuel.
It keeps me going, keeps me moving
in hopes of finding someone to fill that place.
your presence is too large; there is no space,
yet I keep you there as the centerfold.
i think i must enjoy loneliness
i've rejected every good thing that's come my way
there's truth to the statement after all:
not all men are dogs.
then why can't i seem to get my head from the clouds; the fog
distorts my view
I can't seem to realize
that there might be someone more magnificent than you.

Being a Stalker is No Fun

i think i'm dying of loneliness
i think i'm being eaten alive from inside my organs
my senses are lost to every numb cell
no longer fighting the leeches' teeth
a hopeless battle; a cause unworthy
of your salvation or your heed.
how i hate
how i can taste the starched dryness of this one-way love
this disgusting obsession i cannot escape from
so consuming, so embarrassingly painful to know
this is what i have become:
no longer a person,
but a Stalker in your eyes.
i wish to destroy myself from sight.
i wish to free you from my life.

The Skin I'm In

i have built so much since my days of darkness
i have struggled through the stench of self-pity
i wash myself clean
but it's never quite thorough enough
to get between pressure-induced cracks hidden beneath inadequacies.
i conceal my face, my body, my layers of doubt
but ooh, i never hide my scarred arms anymore.
let my mutilated vitality leak through; i am in fact alive after drowning
i survived the wreckage; i am no longer in danger of ceased breathing.
still, it's so much easier to retreat
than to compare myself
the way he compared me to those beauties
those forms of goddesses; their thighs were not fat or pore-stricken
their bodies softly curved, and eyelashes gracefully aligned
their femininity not perfect, but somehow more substantial than mine
and on days like these i am reminded
of everything i've tried so hard not to be:
a self-reprimanding figure of ugliness,
a gluttonous result of low self-esteem.
well, fuck that.
i am not a marble sculpture,
my skin is my own.
i will take my fill of self-love and happiness
even if i have to take it alone.

corny...but it WORKS...

"There are too many people praying for mountains of difficulty to be removed, when what they really need is courage to climb them." -unknown

my failed experiment

you were a beautiful experiment
which failed miserably
the tube cracked under the pressure
of such stinging heat in chemicals stirred with belligerence
and my futile effort to save you, running my thumb against cracked glass,
worriedly watching over you, scrutinizing those last few drops
sadly, hoping for more than failed result
finding nothing but the common elements:
sentiments, some annoyance, and affliction
i kept the remaining pieces, affectionately, protectively
until one day i cut myself on them, accidentally
i realized they were never meant to mix
now i only use water.

Black Hole

I cannot explain your essence
I cannot explain the aura of your being.
you are only flesh and blood,
but somehow, your body is refracted back
as deep, abysmal mystery
Like the sun-tinted horizon
at the end of a Black Hole
you are soft and warming, but ultimately
unreachable
Unreachable.
That is your name.
That is the irony of your beauty,
so enthralling by nature, a true gem in the sky
only to find you as a pitch-black vacuum of light,
sucking away the agony from life
replacing it instead, returning those who enter,
with emptiness.
and an obliqueness of your mind.

Devil's Whore

It is like there is a world I cannot reach
The bridge is burnt.
The gate's slammed shut.
I am a fraud for even peering over the edge.
I belong to neither side
the unwanted child; a bastard's creation,
undeserving of true affection.
I stuff myself of scraps and pieces,
here and there.
Greedily devouring what others will throw,
I will take your love if you'll give it;
I am the devil's whore.
I am so confused.

can't sleep, but this made me feel better

maybe if i drink something hot
i can put myself to sleep
enwrap my body in the safety of the soothing, drowsy steam
and resist the urge to stain tobacco on my teeth.
no, instead please
guide me down, turn my dreams to your lipped kiss, mildly...
but what i hear is not my heart that's pounding
THAT'S MY HEAD.
my god, it's going to hammer me consciously to death!
what a slow, excruciating torture
jammed open from the sore muscles on my eyelids
the veins threaten to burst from their threads
to guarantee i'll be a dysfunctional mess,
early next morning
as soon as i stumble out of bed.
let me live, get me on meds...

an island in novato

Is it time to move on?
I cannot.
I am the solid stone jammed in the sand
The water rises above my head to wash away the wreckage,
alter my view, and bring new plans
But there you remain.
You are a breath of fresh air to a dying sea
You are an anchor luring down suicide's name.
I am your greatest fan.
Your loyal mapper; I believe in your location, a latitude of faith.
I stumbled upon you, an obscure, alien island
Those who discover your riches
sink to their deaths in your lands.
This is why I watch from afar, safe as I perceive it
Though secretly I long for your wrath,
floating on this pathetic raft
waiting, waiting
for my rescue at last...

A moon-bound vessel bound to take me far from you.

take me away

take me to a place
far from here
cut and chase
away all miseries and longings
all hopeful inclinations of a simplistic solace
so difficult to find it's complex
so fucking sick
of searching
i'm so sick of feeling alien in my own body
of this parasite living inside my head
he's taken over and won't let go
he's grasping so tight i feel i'll choke
but he's all i know
if i stay safe in my comfort zone i'll be alright
i can drown in my own saliva at least then
i'll be warm

best valentines day ever

how is it possible that i'm single and i had a better valentine's day than i ever had with a bf? even though i only got about 6 or 7 hours of sleep last night i woke up happy and wide awake today. yesterday i dressed in red, hot for work, sunny day, enjoying my new job, got valentines wishes from a new friend in class and my cousin alice, a phonecall from an old high school buddy, had anthony come over at 11 last night to gorge ourselves with coldstone heart strawberry chocolate ice cream cakes and laugh till 1 a.m...

this weekend i am driving down to LA to the sports camp counselor meeting with calli and alex and have a campout. calli is raving about how i'll meet a ton of cool ppl and how it'll be such a blast. i'm excited but honestly, i'm a little nervous too. i'm sure my social skills won't fail on me, but still. i'm not used to putting myself out there for things like this. still, i'm happy with my life and i think there's a lot of stuff to look forward to.

i'm fucking 18, pretty much on my own, and i'm not gonna be fucking unhappy or lonely anymore

I'm entering a new phase of my life called, "i'm fucking 18, pretty much on my own, and i'm not going to be fucking unhappy or lonely anymore."

i am loving all the new friendships i'm making in my deanza classes. it gives me hope that perhaps i will be able survive in this world, and i will not have to go at it alone. alex and i came to a new revelation, thanks in part to calli, that we don't need a significant other to sustain us, that if our relationships with our friends/family are strong enough, they can make up for it and we can get through life content. sometimes things still get so hard. what if the void comes back, esp. after alex and anthony leave? it is easy to make aquaintances, but to find the real, deeper connection that i share with my two best friends is a different story. and with my not-so-exciting personality? we will see. i have hope.

i wish i could be more useful

I guess my loneliness was a tool for your own
you trap me in your blender, mix it on high
pieces blur together like sadness and wine
i'm such a sucker for love
i'm such a loser i have no idea what's going on
in your head things play out over and over to a dreaded nights sleep
and when you wake up i'll try to be there
i'll try to be there

but it's like running through broken furniture and water
it's like thinking you came out on top right before you go back under
i'm so scared
you'll quit breathing and then what happens next?
you're so fragile you didn't notice that despair crept
up on you
while you slept

and i'm all smiles right up to my ears
i'm nervous because your voice confirms my fears
and i don't know what to do i want to comfort you
but i'm at a loss for words
i'm at a loss for emotions and now i know i've lost you

how i felt then and now

Low self-esteem can take a hike
or at least ride in the backseat for now
I'm done with bitchin and never getting anything done
I'm done with the high of feeling like a loser and never expecting one
good thing to come my way and be genuine, say
would you like to be my girlfriend?
My god, I'm scared shitless
your body frame is small but you fill up a whole lot of space
right here beneath my lung case
I'm gonna fuck it up, I know I will
nervously slap and streak on my makeup an hour before
no but I'll never be good enough for you, not until
you say you're mine and even then your beauty so unique
blows my mind, and transcends gender
You came along at just the right time
just right after that loser what's-his-face split
Holy shit, I think I'm gonna die
We're both an hour late but that's okay
I'm dressed in a short skirt and ready to rock n' roll
from the corner of my eye behind you
you turn your head back to catch my stroll
what a great feeling
kiss me with those scorching eyes,
see through me with that soft mouse smile
i'm upside down on the inside, so we leave the Rocky Horror show
and have ourselves a ball
i'll sit back at home happy disoriented waiting for your call
that'll never come, that'll never come
i'm so much in love
with something that never was.

Derma

I claim no one for myself
I battle inner demons and lonliness bouts
I take only enough to maintain my health
and then some, sometimes...
but that is only because I forget where I stand
when the wind has shaken my sense of validity
and my eyes sting from a hailing reality
I cannot hold solid to the ground.
My legs grow weak where your love is concerned
which is no concern of yours at all
why, it's only a fraction of your life in return
for my bloody heart pestering every waking moment
of this existence, just knowing of your existence
is like sun to sky
spreading every inch of warmth through the nerves
then burning the hell out from these cells of derm
my skin is thin
it breaks too easily
much too sensitive to just let you in
but i do,
and so it begins.

Sadness Falls

Sadness falls
like a furrowed, dripping leaf
Gravity takes you lovingly by the hand
caresses and slowly pulls you down
to a gritty, cemented grief.
The scent of asphault intertwined with rain
like emotions mixed with bodily pain
is almost too much to bear

Bullshit

stand in fog
wait for news of the inevitable
gloomy calm
is all to name the indescribable.
a family torn apart by thunder
it's like waiting to die,
like trying to block the sound of drumfire
and explosions outside
and supress the fear
of breakdowns and screams at night.

doesn't it make you sad to think of the very beginning?
an old photograph kept in my head
the happy couple is whole again
they never endured the loss of innocence
never crossed the bridge to death
never had a child, 2 actually
to breathe in life so they could witness
so much agony
it's bullshit.

threshold

I feel like I'm right at the very threshold of happiness, but there's something so simple and so obvious that I just can't see that's keeping me from it. And I think I know what that is, but it's just so difficult. It's buried too deeply. At least I can now take a step out of my body and realize it.

time to get a new job

that's right!

o yea, and about a hundred-yr-old couple dented my car this evening! i'm having such a wonderful day!

thank god for anthony, who took me out to eat at cheescake factory to make me feel better.

alkaline trio show

so i saw my favorite band play last night. rock shows are all about getting up to the very front and being so close to everyone else that you're pushed and swayed and stepped on and elbowed and soaked in sweat, a little yours but mostly from all the other the bodies your slammed against...and i admit it was fun, but sometimes it got to be too much for me. i was there to support my fav band, but there were times when i wanted to breathe too while watching them. Alkaline Trio should NOT have been an opener for My Chemical Romance, but truth be told, i was a little disappointed by my experience in the audience and how my chemical romance outshined my band. i should have stepped back just a little to really take in and enjoy the music. o well, i still love them to death.

and i dunno why, afterwards i just felt a little lonely.