even though it won't last

i'm pretty happy nowadays, for the most part.

school starts monday, got all my books. a whoppin $230. not including Brave New World.

i'll be studying in ITALY for spring qtr!

within the next month i'll be going to 5 concerts...first one (nin w/ queens of the stone age) starts this friday!

i've got enough to get my skull heart tattoo in a couple weeks...shh.

sax lessons are going great. this instrument is damn sexy.

because i have social anxiety disorder

ya know, even though i really only have 2 friends that i hang out with, my life feels more than full. even a little overwhelming at times, but i love them. in fact, whenever i try to include a new person to my life, it seems to take up so much energy on my part that i begin to wonder if it's even worth it and eventually cast them out, like a floating bubble that slowly levitates and pops. it's just that i'm such a shy and guarded person. it's emotionally draining to be forced past my social comfort zone for too long. i'd love to make new friends, but it's difficult.

treated my old friend brian to a meal at the gourmet diner for his last night in cupertino. he's off to ucla. i've lost touch with him too, i know, but tonight was great. starting school myself will be stressful but a relief at the same time. this summer has been long and dreamlike, with certain moments like nightmares, some emptily comatose, and some like the sweetest taste of heaven.

now that i finally no longer feel the need to smoke, anthony has gone and bought some strawberry cigarillos! oh rats...

Peach Cigarillo

Once I couldn't get you out of my head
You're similar to but much stronger than my first cigarette
or the peach cigarillo that wouldn't burn at the end
it took 50 tries for the flame to give
And when it did
You set my heart on fire
then flicked away the ashes like you didn't give a shit.
Oh, the first taste is always the sweetest
the inhalation burns my throat
But I don't mind
I was dead inside
the emptiness ate at me from the core
like waking up thinking there's nothing to live for
until the smoke reached my head and opened my eyes
that was you
the greatest high of my life.
now I turn to fumes to light up the times.

un-high

Let me tell you. I have never been more happy to be un-high than right now in my life. That scared the shit out of me. I am taking better care of Annie from now on.

Smokennnnnnn'

ever since guillermo's party, i've had this obsession with smoking anything i can get my hands on. hookah, cigarettes, whatever. well, really, i use these as a substitute for what i've really been wanting, but that's alright, even cigarettes can get me a little buzzed.

the get-together at anthony's was lots of fun. smoked hookah and didn't sleep at all, went home at 7 a.m to help my brother pack and see him off for ucsd again. then work, work, work. i can't wait for my own school to start, even if it is just De Anza. i want to meet new people and move my life forward (and see all the freakin' concerts in october!). didn't do anything too big this summer, but there have been a few experiences that have had quite an impact on me.

i can proudly, finally, say i AM over my ex and our past horrible, tumultuous relationship. and this may not be very often or last very long, but for the most part, i am happy.

what?!?!?

i'm so confused. last night i went to a party at guillermo's and had my first weed 'baptism'. i don't think i got that high but i did feel the world get very light. something guillermo said made me think. i'm really just searching for understanding, like everyone else in this messed up world.

i was still a bit lightheaded at work but i felt okay. god this is so much easier than alcohol! then gradually as the day progressed i crashed, and i got really tired, couldn't think, could barely function at the register. it didn't help that the system on my register also crashed in the middle of a transaction, and somehow i always stumble my words or get confused and sound like a freakin idiot in front of my managers. DAMMNIT!!! i hate looking stupid.

anyways now i'm pretty low, and i really just want to go hang out with anthony and watch 'skeleton key' and laugh and be okay and forget everything for awhile. cuz i do find understanding in anthony, and maybe for a bit w/ guillermo.

the hole is getting bigger

This bleedin' life
I wake up to reject the sun and try to fall back asleep
My dreams are incoherent thoughts of you
however unreal,
I'll take what happiness I can and leave
Go to work and come back home
The hole is getting bigger but somehow doesn't show
Unlike the scars on my arms
No one wants to ask but they already know
what the hell they're from
It doesn't matter, the pain's enough
to know I am in fact alive.
And these stupid, stupid boys
They think they can save me.
They offer me drugs
They offer me love
Don't they know
all I feel is fucking numb.

depression is rage turned inwards

popular quote Freud, and i don't agree with everything he thought but this he nailed right on. now i'm not saying i'm Depressed but i can significantly identify with this, especially lately. i don't know what it is but i just feel this antsy need to escape from my stupid, boring, boring ass self or from this uneventful life i'm leading. i hate myself sometimes. i hate being plain and shy and inarticulate, uncreative, unsocial, unable to make people love me. i know this sounds trite, but i want to be someone else. no, i just want to be someone. someone with personality.

2 nights ago i ran up to Hunter's Point with Anthony. i'm so out of shape. my temples were pounding like hell by the time i got up there. but the view was beautiful. anthony pointed out the Golden Gate from up there to our left. it looked so close. we ate Doritos and drank Arizona ice tea and i took some pictures of anthony. it was a lonely feeling being up there, but not. at least i have anthony, one close friend i was able to keep throughout high school's many changes. and yes, alex deserves some credit for this year too.

actually

actually, the more time i spend thinking about it, the more i can remember things about my parents and the way they interacted with me (or didn't) which might have caused me to be the way i am. it's weird 'cuz i haven't thought of these memories for years.

then again, it's also in the genes.

Rocky Horror Picture Show

Last Saturday was the night I'd been excited and nervous as hell for! It was weird ass but I loved it and the weird ass night/early morning that followed. Thanks Anthony, Alex, Cameron for taggin along. Damn, I've got a crush.

living with the past but still alive

Steve was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I hate him so much it keeps me awake at night.

Welp, happy to announce I just got a job at Bed Bath & Beyond, and it is by far the best paying and most clean (no greasy pizzas or sandwiches!) job I've ever had.

I will also be staying at DeAnza for a little longer, because I know I can do better.

birthdays and weres

Today is Anthony's big 18 bday! Had a small celebration at my house and Denny's in the early morn around 12-5am. "Surprise" birthday movie night my my house later today. Def looking forward to it.

Lately I've been reading Bitten by Kelley Armstrong. I used to have a thing for vampires but this book about werewolves has really got me going. It's pretty wicked. Some might say it's childish but if these myths have been around for so long there's something in it that's awe-striking. I saw a movie called Ginger Snaps, which I am changing my blog title to, back around freshman year or something about weres and it sparked something in me that this book is bringing back. Here's some pics from the movie that I'm gonna get for sure when I'm not broke anymore:


this is the most beautiful blood-soaked girl pic i've ever seen


ginger screaming


ginger and bridgette are sisters


gettin her belly peirced with a silver ring


weres are cool

summmmmmmer classes

Registered for summer classes yesterday at De Anza with Anthony. It took a while and then went out to lunch finished off with a heavenly dessert of chocolate cake and gelato. Here's my summer schedule:

Strength Dev~~MTWTh ~~11am-11:50am <~w/ Alex
Psych 1~~~~~~TWTh~~~~3pm-5:20pm <~w/ Anthony
His of Art ~~~~TWTh~~~~6pm-8:20pm



Maybe pick up a second job. Yup, looks like fun.


from Anthony's xanga, senior all night party orgy


me sitting on siyu

prom

Some pics from prom:

Guillermo

"
Este es Guillermo. El trabaja con yo en el Pizza Hut. El es mucho guapo!

Past Mistakes

My life has gone awry. Past mistakes are catching up to me. Sometimes I feel like crying. It's difficult. I need to let go, and I wish the best for him.

Anthony has spent the past 2 weeks getting me caught up and slightly more educated on STAR WARS so I will be prepared for the opening show of Episode III tomorrow, 9:10 AM showing. Of course we are losing sleep watching the all past Star Wars movies, but what the hell. I'm excited for it.

Looks like I'll be going to San Francisco State after all, as long as I pass this Arts 1a class. I'm looking forward to it. Some things I will hate to leave behind (all my friends!) and others...I desperately need to.


the bridge to my future city


Garbage concert

Whoaa definitely have a newfound respect for the band Garbage after last night's performance at The Warfield. It was crazy. We (Nick, Jon, Alex, Shauna, Anna, and I) started out 4 rows from the stage but after all the bursts of rocking out to Sherilyn Manson's voice and band, Anna, Jon and I ended up in the 2nd row! I was pretty damn close to the lead singer, Anna's hero. I love it best when I can jump to the pulse of the music and feel like one person with every one else's sweaty bodies surrounding me. It was exhausting but great.

Once again, we found ourselves in the city of San Francisco. This time we were able to visit San Francisco State University. I got great vibes from the campus; it was very chill and beautiful, and I really wanna go there now! I might just end up headin' up there this fall. The only downside would be leaving my friends and all the plans we had made...decisions decisions?

San Fran Disaster

Anna and I drove to San Francisco today. We beat most of the traffic and parked at Market St. to pick up Shauna. Paid the meter for 8 minutes. I had to pee so we went into the mall to find a restroom. We got back and Anna's car was GONE. Anna thought it was stolen, but it turned out it was just towed away. We ended up going to the SF Hall of Justice just to pay $171.75 for it!

So that took up most of our time in SF. It was kinda exciting, except for the money part, damnit. Later we ate at the Hard Rock Cafe. Well, I think this is a sign that I shouldn't go to San Francisco State. Still had fun today though.

GOT MY LICENSE!

Hot damn!!! I passed the driver's test today!!! Now I can drive myself around legally! I am very proud of myself.

Spent 2 days with Anna and Alex dyeing and doing stuff to my hair and going to the mall. It was very tiring but fun, and I kinda like my hair now despite the strange color. Saw Anthony's play and then off to Fresno for the weekend, hung out with my cousin Alice. Now I'm back, I got my license, and my hair is straight again. Here are some pics from Anna and Alex's hard work:

Mark or Break

Sometimes
I feel like throwing myself against the mirror
to break the image
and feel the glass shatter
Or by accident
slip and tumble down the stairs
as if my bones didn't matter
But so far
all I've done are the marks on my arm
So far
all I've done is be cheated by your charm
It's not that I enjoy the pain
but when my chest tugs at an incessant ache
Burning through, I must find an outlet for the hurt
or break.