i wish i could be more useful

I guess my loneliness was a tool for your own
you trap me in your blender, mix it on high
pieces blur together like sadness and wine
i'm such a sucker for love
i'm such a loser i have no idea what's going on
in your head things play out over and over to a dreaded nights sleep
and when you wake up i'll try to be there
i'll try to be there

but it's like running through broken furniture and water
it's like thinking you came out on top right before you go back under
i'm so scared
you'll quit breathing and then what happens next?
you're so fragile you didn't notice that despair crept
up on you
while you slept

and i'm all smiles right up to my ears
i'm nervous because your voice confirms my fears
and i don't know what to do i want to comfort you
but i'm at a loss for words
i'm at a loss for emotions and now i know i've lost you

how i felt then and now

Low self-esteem can take a hike
or at least ride in the backseat for now
I'm done with bitchin and never getting anything done
I'm done with the high of feeling like a loser and never expecting one
good thing to come my way and be genuine, say
would you like to be my girlfriend?
My god, I'm scared shitless
your body frame is small but you fill up a whole lot of space
right here beneath my lung case
I'm gonna fuck it up, I know I will
nervously slap and streak on my makeup an hour before
no but I'll never be good enough for you, not until
you say you're mine and even then your beauty so unique
blows my mind, and transcends gender
You came along at just the right time
just right after that loser what's-his-face split
Holy shit, I think I'm gonna die
We're both an hour late but that's okay
I'm dressed in a short skirt and ready to rock n' roll
from the corner of my eye behind you
you turn your head back to catch my stroll
what a great feeling
kiss me with those scorching eyes,
see through me with that soft mouse smile
i'm upside down on the inside, so we leave the Rocky Horror show
and have ourselves a ball
i'll sit back at home happy disoriented waiting for your call
that'll never come, that'll never come
i'm so much in love
with something that never was.

Derma

I claim no one for myself
I battle inner demons and lonliness bouts
I take only enough to maintain my health
and then some, sometimes...
but that is only because I forget where I stand
when the wind has shaken my sense of validity
and my eyes sting from a hailing reality
I cannot hold solid to the ground.
My legs grow weak where your love is concerned
which is no concern of yours at all
why, it's only a fraction of your life in return
for my bloody heart pestering every waking moment
of this existence, just knowing of your existence
is like sun to sky
spreading every inch of warmth through the nerves
then burning the hell out from these cells of derm
my skin is thin
it breaks too easily
much too sensitive to just let you in
but i do,
and so it begins.

Sadness Falls

Sadness falls
like a furrowed, dripping leaf
Gravity takes you lovingly by the hand
caresses and slowly pulls you down
to a gritty, cemented grief.
The scent of asphault intertwined with rain
like emotions mixed with bodily pain
is almost too much to bear

Bullshit

stand in fog
wait for news of the inevitable
gloomy calm
is all to name the indescribable.
a family torn apart by thunder
it's like waiting to die,
like trying to block the sound of drumfire
and explosions outside
and supress the fear
of breakdowns and screams at night.

doesn't it make you sad to think of the very beginning?
an old photograph kept in my head
the happy couple is whole again
they never endured the loss of innocence
never crossed the bridge to death
never had a child, 2 actually
to breathe in life so they could witness
so much agony
it's bullshit.

threshold

I feel like I'm right at the very threshold of happiness, but there's something so simple and so obvious that I just can't see that's keeping me from it. And I think I know what that is, but it's just so difficult. It's buried too deeply. At least I can now take a step out of my body and realize it.

time to get a new job

that's right!

o yea, and about a hundred-yr-old couple dented my car this evening! i'm having such a wonderful day!

thank god for anthony, who took me out to eat at cheescake factory to make me feel better.

alkaline trio show

so i saw my favorite band play last night. rock shows are all about getting up to the very front and being so close to everyone else that you're pushed and swayed and stepped on and elbowed and soaked in sweat, a little yours but mostly from all the other the bodies your slammed against...and i admit it was fun, but sometimes it got to be too much for me. i was there to support my fav band, but there were times when i wanted to breathe too while watching them. Alkaline Trio should NOT have been an opener for My Chemical Romance, but truth be told, i was a little disappointed by my experience in the audience and how my chemical romance outshined my band. i should have stepped back just a little to really take in and enjoy the music. o well, i still love them to death.

and i dunno why, afterwards i just felt a little lonely.

even though it won't last

i'm pretty happy nowadays, for the most part.

school starts monday, got all my books. a whoppin $230. not including Brave New World.

i'll be studying in ITALY for spring qtr!

within the next month i'll be going to 5 concerts...first one (nin w/ queens of the stone age) starts this friday!

i've got enough to get my skull heart tattoo in a couple weeks...shh.

sax lessons are going great. this instrument is damn sexy.

because i have social anxiety disorder

ya know, even though i really only have 2 friends that i hang out with, my life feels more than full. even a little overwhelming at times, but i love them. in fact, whenever i try to include a new person to my life, it seems to take up so much energy on my part that i begin to wonder if it's even worth it and eventually cast them out, like a floating bubble that slowly levitates and pops. it's just that i'm such a shy and guarded person. it's emotionally draining to be forced past my social comfort zone for too long. i'd love to make new friends, but it's difficult.

treated my old friend brian to a meal at the gourmet diner for his last night in cupertino. he's off to ucla. i've lost touch with him too, i know, but tonight was great. starting school myself will be stressful but a relief at the same time. this summer has been long and dreamlike, with certain moments like nightmares, some emptily comatose, and some like the sweetest taste of heaven.

now that i finally no longer feel the need to smoke, anthony has gone and bought some strawberry cigarillos! oh rats...

Peach Cigarillo

Once I couldn't get you out of my head
You're similar to but much stronger than my first cigarette
or the peach cigarillo that wouldn't burn at the end
it took 50 tries for the flame to give
And when it did
You set my heart on fire
then flicked away the ashes like you didn't give a shit.
Oh, the first taste is always the sweetest
the inhalation burns my throat
But I don't mind
I was dead inside
the emptiness ate at me from the core
like waking up thinking there's nothing to live for
until the smoke reached my head and opened my eyes
that was you
the greatest high of my life.
now I turn to fumes to light up the times.

un-high

Let me tell you. I have never been more happy to be un-high than right now in my life. That scared the shit out of me. I am taking better care of Annie from now on.

Smokennnnnnn'

ever since guillermo's party, i've had this obsession with smoking anything i can get my hands on. hookah, cigarettes, whatever. well, really, i use these as a substitute for what i've really been wanting, but that's alright, even cigarettes can get me a little buzzed.

the get-together at anthony's was lots of fun. smoked hookah and didn't sleep at all, went home at 7 a.m to help my brother pack and see him off for ucsd again. then work, work, work. i can't wait for my own school to start, even if it is just De Anza. i want to meet new people and move my life forward (and see all the freakin' concerts in october!). didn't do anything too big this summer, but there have been a few experiences that have had quite an impact on me.

i can proudly, finally, say i AM over my ex and our past horrible, tumultuous relationship. and this may not be very often or last very long, but for the most part, i am happy.

what?!?!?

i'm so confused. last night i went to a party at guillermo's and had my first weed 'baptism'. i don't think i got that high but i did feel the world get very light. something guillermo said made me think. i'm really just searching for understanding, like everyone else in this messed up world.

i was still a bit lightheaded at work but i felt okay. god this is so much easier than alcohol! then gradually as the day progressed i crashed, and i got really tired, couldn't think, could barely function at the register. it didn't help that the system on my register also crashed in the middle of a transaction, and somehow i always stumble my words or get confused and sound like a freakin idiot in front of my managers. DAMMNIT!!! i hate looking stupid.

anyways now i'm pretty low, and i really just want to go hang out with anthony and watch 'skeleton key' and laugh and be okay and forget everything for awhile. cuz i do find understanding in anthony, and maybe for a bit w/ guillermo.

the hole is getting bigger

This bleedin' life
I wake up to reject the sun and try to fall back asleep
My dreams are incoherent thoughts of you
however unreal,
I'll take what happiness I can and leave
Go to work and come back home
The hole is getting bigger but somehow doesn't show
Unlike the scars on my arms
No one wants to ask but they already know
what the hell they're from
It doesn't matter, the pain's enough
to know I am in fact alive.
And these stupid, stupid boys
They think they can save me.
They offer me drugs
They offer me love
Don't they know
all I feel is fucking numb.

depression is rage turned inwards

popular quote Freud, and i don't agree with everything he thought but this he nailed right on. now i'm not saying i'm Depressed but i can significantly identify with this, especially lately. i don't know what it is but i just feel this antsy need to escape from my stupid, boring, boring ass self or from this uneventful life i'm leading. i hate myself sometimes. i hate being plain and shy and inarticulate, uncreative, unsocial, unable to make people love me. i know this sounds trite, but i want to be someone else. no, i just want to be someone. someone with personality.

2 nights ago i ran up to Hunter's Point with Anthony. i'm so out of shape. my temples were pounding like hell by the time i got up there. but the view was beautiful. anthony pointed out the Golden Gate from up there to our left. it looked so close. we ate Doritos and drank Arizona ice tea and i took some pictures of anthony. it was a lonely feeling being up there, but not. at least i have anthony, one close friend i was able to keep throughout high school's many changes. and yes, alex deserves some credit for this year too.

actually

actually, the more time i spend thinking about it, the more i can remember things about my parents and the way they interacted with me (or didn't) which might have caused me to be the way i am. it's weird 'cuz i haven't thought of these memories for years.

then again, it's also in the genes.

Rocky Horror Picture Show

Last Saturday was the night I'd been excited and nervous as hell for! It was weird ass but I loved it and the weird ass night/early morning that followed. Thanks Anthony, Alex, Cameron for taggin along. Damn, I've got a crush.

living with the past but still alive

Steve was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I hate him so much it keeps me awake at night.

Welp, happy to announce I just got a job at Bed Bath & Beyond, and it is by far the best paying and most clean (no greasy pizzas or sandwiches!) job I've ever had.

I will also be staying at DeAnza for a little longer, because I know I can do better.

birthdays and weres

Today is Anthony's big 18 bday! Had a small celebration at my house and Denny's in the early morn around 12-5am. "Surprise" birthday movie night my my house later today. Def looking forward to it.

Lately I've been reading Bitten by Kelley Armstrong. I used to have a thing for vampires but this book about werewolves has really got me going. It's pretty wicked. Some might say it's childish but if these myths have been around for so long there's something in it that's awe-striking. I saw a movie called Ginger Snaps, which I am changing my blog title to, back around freshman year or something about weres and it sparked something in me that this book is bringing back. Here's some pics from the movie that I'm gonna get for sure when I'm not broke anymore:


this is the most beautiful blood-soaked girl pic i've ever seen


ginger screaming


ginger and bridgette are sisters


gettin her belly peirced with a silver ring


weres are cool