Swimming through the universe, one light-year at a time.

Swimming through the universe, one light-year at a time.
NCG 4631 "The Whale Galaxy"

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Moments like this, I wish I had died instead of my aunt.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Liver Therapy

I've laid off the booze for 2 nights in a row and sleep has been pure agony. Sometimes I feel as if there is a heavy, metal plate on my chest, constricting my breathing and crushing me down. My head is filled with furious and painful thoughts. My heart is in horrible shape, and sleep has been sporadic. But when I wake in the morning I feel a little better, a little more confident that I can get through this, and that one day the torment will inevitably end.

This is the repercussion of not drinking myself to sleep - a whole lot healthier, and definitely a lot harder. My ex has finally left me alone. Funny I thought breaking up and healing would be simple, of course he had to persistently stay in contact with me for another 3 weeks and make that impossible. I guess we all want to know that other people care, that the time we had with them meant something. And although he has finally let me go, one thing that would secretly ease the pain is if he gave me some sign of concern like he always did, as I would always respond affectionately, and we would reconcile. That always did the trick, killed the anger, at least temporarily.

But now I am decidedly alone, and wherever I am, out with other people, in class or work, I feel a sharp, singular pain which I and I alone am aware of. Again, luckily, I have my schoolwork cut out for me until November, where I can bury myself and the aching. I have many terrific concerts to see, hobbies to undertake, and friends to lift my mood the way I deserve.

Monday, September 06, 2010

Summer of Love

Checking in after an eventful summer, for the urge for me to write has been rare and comes and goes as quickly as my paycheck. I did end up fulfilling one of my dreams to visit the African continent this summer, and while it was not and could not be all I had romanticized, I must say it was one of the most astounding and capricious experiences of my life. I learned a lot more than I had originally thought I did about Kenyan history, saw some really beautiful landscape, witnessed wildlife and mother nature in all her splendor, picked up some Swahili, taught a class of fourth graders, made new friends, and observed human culture and behavior, both of the Kenyans and of the UC Berkeley students whom I traveled with -a real interesting lot.

I also picked up a boyfriend, who was one of the Cal students on the Kenya study abroad. Our relationship has recently come to an end, but my summer has really revolved around him. Other than the obvious time we spent getting to know each other in Kenya, the following 2 months was a whole 'nother adventure. Every week and eventually nearly every day we planned a new excuse to have fun together, whether that was white water rafting, camping, rock-climbing, beaching, or just going over to his house to watch a flick and fall asleep and have breakfast in the morning. Although it was only a measly 3 month relationship, I fell for him. It wasn't just our mutual activities that captured me, it was his complexity and compassion - moral and emotional, and depth as a person. But I should have seen not what was deeper but what was obvious, and so I can only blame myself for the ultimate heartache. He's the first guy I've allowed myself to love for quite some time, and I suspect he will be for a while, especially given the damage that has come after our breakup. While I won't go into why it ended, I will just say that he is 4 years my junior, and that dishonesty is something I am learning not to tolerate, since my forgiving and somewhat doormat nature has caused me a lot of pain and unnecessary problems.

So I'm simplifying my life. And I'm doing really well now. I took the breakup horribly at first, even regressing to some old adolescent pathologies, but I am well on my way to recovery. There's no denying some agony buried there along with the rest of my exes, but surprisingly my head is level, my heart is already healing, and my intuition is to be optimistic instead of fearful and bitter. Thankfully I have good friends, who are rational and understanding and help me look at things objectively instead of with my own fucked-up, insecure, and depressed head. I'm formulating new and old goals: getting my act together at work, motivating myself for school, rekindling hobbies I dropped, and developing my relationships. And listening to a lot of reggae-rock, which brightens my mood to new levels.