Swimming through the universe, one light-year at a time.

Swimming through the universe, one light-year at a time.
NCG 4631 "The Whale Galaxy"

Friday, December 31, 2010

So Long, 2010

I don't really wanna be awake or sober when the ball drops. It has been both a spectacular and painful year, and all I wanna do is down this bottle of sparkling rose and pass the fuck out. 'Cause I didn't get anywhere academically, but I went to Africa. Yeah, I saw all the lions and elephants and giraffes and shit, and even taught kids a little. But what I really learned myself was that I was a slacker and an idealist. That, and you can't really know anything about another person from first conveyances, until you find yourself at a disadvantage and see how much or how little they stick their neck out for you. That's when you really understand. People are really beautiful inside, but twisted. And I've been in love the past couple months, and where has that gotten me?

I'll probably call my dad after the year changes, 'cause my mom is in Taiwan. Thanks Dad, for fucking up my perception of love and men from the very beginning. Yet I adore him despite all the fucked up things he did, and still acknowledge what a great person and father he was and still is. And all the (2 or 3) boyfriends I had - maybe their emotions for me were real, but that didn't stop them from mistreating me or screwing me over. That's what bothers me the most, even with people who love you, you're not really safe. But that's all in the past. And the past makes up a vital part of who you are, but doesn't determine the future.

And I swear to god with a lowercase "g", I'm gonna get it right this year, which really means shitty things are bound to happen, but it doesn't have to destroy me and prevent me from moving forward. I gotta get my grades up, my body sharpened, my music in line, my mind and heart right. No resolutions, just a better understanding of life and a determination for positive vectors.


Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Brain Therapy

I have gone to three sessions of therapy and although I have revealed quite a bit about myself and my past, I feel no significant breakthroughs. I know it is still early, so I'm not concerned. Furthermore, I like my therapist. I think I lucked out in finding a gay male. Not that being a gay man has anything to do with my issues, but I'm most comfortable around men, and preferably, those who wouldn't exacerbate any soreness surrounding my feelings about the straight male species. And finding a female therapist who felt any trauma similar to mine would only make it worse. And of course, my best friends happen to be gay guys, so it only seems natural to find the same.

So my doctor is an easy and interesting person to talk to: we usually sit and reflect on our travels, pop culture, and other fun topics before settling into more serious ones. But I am afraid. I'm afraid that he can't help me, that he doesn't really understand, he doesn't really care, and despite pouring money and breath into these appointments I will come out of it no different and no better than I am - alone and in pain.

You're a lost little girl
You're a lost little girl
You're lost
Tell me who
Are you?

I think that you know what to do
Impossible? Yes, but it's true
I think that you know what to do, yeah
I'm sure that you know what to do.

-The Doors, "You're a Lost Little Girl"