I don't really wanna be awake or sober when the ball drops. It has been both a spectacular and painful year, and all I wanna do is down this bottle of sparkling rose and pass the fuck out. 'Cause I didn't get anywhere academically, but I went to Africa. Yeah, I saw all the lions and elephants and giraffes and shit, and even taught kids a little. But what I really learned myself was that I was a slacker and an idealist. That, and you can't really know anything about another person from first conveyances, until you find yourself at a disadvantage and see how much or how little they stick their neck out for you. That's when you really understand. People are really beautiful inside, but twisted. And I've been in love the past couple months, and where has that gotten me?
I'll probably call my dad after the year changes, 'cause my mom is in Taiwan. Thanks Dad, for fucking up my perception of love and men from the very beginning. Yet I adore him despite all the fucked up things he did, and still acknowledge what a great person and father he was and still is. And all the (2 or 3) boyfriends I had - maybe their emotions for me were real, but that didn't stop them from mistreating me or screwing me over. That's what bothers me the most, even with people who love you, you're not really safe. But that's all in the past. And the past makes up a vital part of who you are, but doesn't determine the future.
And I swear to god with a lowercase "g", I'm gonna get it right this year, which really means shitty things are bound to happen, but it doesn't have to destroy me and prevent me from moving forward. I gotta get my grades up, my body sharpened, my music in line, my mind and heart right. No resolutions, just a better understanding of life and a determination for positive vectors.