Swimming through the universe, one light-year at a time.

Swimming through the universe, one light-year at a time.
NCG 4631 "The Whale Galaxy"

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Bleed American

A week ago, I painfully woke from a nap between classes and work, and groggily drove to my next obligation. But on this day, unlike so many others from the past two months, I looked outside as the sun shone on the parking lot outside the store where I work, and thought to myself, "What IS stopping me from being in control of my life?" This question followed me for the next few hours, tossing over and over again in my head while I cashiered, bagged, took money, gave change, smiled at customers, moved boxes, arranged bottles, until the answer became quite clear: nothing. And it was during those perfectly ordinary hours of my day that I decided to take my life back.

The past 2 months have been frustratingly depressing for me. I've been pulling 30+ hours a week at my new job, which devours my entire weekend and majority of the week. I have two days off where I am cramming in schoolwork and studying between classes, catching up with friends, family, household necessities, and sleep. I've been going to bed wretched and waking up angry, agitated by seeing my paycheck disappear to what seems like an insurmountable credit card debt, and aggravated by my friends for their well-intentioned, though time-consuming phone calls. But ever since the moment I decided to be in control, I've felt surprisingly more relaxed, taking on the same load but not fretting over life's blights. And maybe I'm just starting to get used to it.

This is not to say that all is peachy, for even as I write this blog I am tired. So tired, with so much to do this week, even the upcoming holiday gives me a few grey hairs. And I still have a bit of a grudge, and I can feel the urge to retract back inside myself. Solitude is a coping mechanism I've used against the pressures of the outside world for a long time, but one which is dangerous and cannot be over-indulged, for it is also a quick route to insanity. But I feel 10 times better than I did a week ago. Good news: I was accepted into the Physics and Astronomy Department at school, and I'm pretty sure I aced my first Pre-Calculus midterm. And I see no reason why I can't continue to do well, why I can't see my dreams through academically, why I can't get on top of my finances, why I can't be attractive and visit the gym regularly, why I can't make new friends and spend time with my current ones, why I can't read for fun or make music! I see daunting odds and obstacles ahead: days, weeks, years of exhaustion maybe, but I have no doubt of my ability to get through them.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Only the weak are every really strong.

It is well-known, though a myth, that all women are deceitful, conniving beings unworthy of being trusted, just as it is well-known but a myth that all men are brutal, hateful animals whose only motivations are power and sex. The only truth when it comes to the sexes is that ALL people are capable of treachery and harm, and the expression thereof will vary from person to person.

I have seen men ruined by women. Yes, it happens, absolutely. And I, as a female, have undoubtedly been ruined by men. What most people do not know is that I have been so deeply and repeatedly hurt and abused by men, by multiple men in fact, that if it were not for the fact that my closest friends are male, and my father and brother both outstanding people, I would be bereft of the ability to trust and love them. But even my own father instilled such great pain in me that I have only once spoken of, and never again will. It is hard to come to terms with just how injured I really am, and I think in some ways, always will be.

I always told myself that I would never do to another, male or female, the cruelty I had done unto me. And to the best of my knowledge and ability, I have stayed true to this form. I have always tried to be as honest and respectful of others as I could, though I'm sure I have had to let people down sometimes, for I'm not a perfect person by far.

What I don't understand is, why then, when women who are so powerful in the society we live in, who can turn men to butter simply by existing, who can crush even the strongest man with her words or actions, why is it, that I am so weak? I have pondered this over the years and come up with a few answers such as needing more self-love, being honest with myself, seeing reality, and finding the right people, and while all of the above are valid, I think it boils down to this: our greatest weaknesses are our greatest strengths.

The most frail part of me is where I gather the most resilience; where I am vulnerable to be hurt, I am most fiercely devoted to myself and to those I care about. And until someone comes along who can actually prove his worth, no man, or woman for that matter, will be allowed into my heart.