Swimming through the universe, one light-year at a time.

Swimming through the universe, one light-year at a time.
NCG 4631 "The Whale Galaxy"

Friday, December 30, 2005

Sadness Falls

Sadness falls
like a furrowed, dripping leaf
Gravity takes you lovingly by the hand
caresses and slowly pulls you down
to a gritty, cemented grief.
The scent of asphault intertwined with rain
like emotions mixed with bodily pain
is almost too much to bear

Tuesday, November 15, 2005


stand in fog
wait for news of the inevitable
gloomy calm
is all to name the indescribable.
a family torn apart by thunder
it's like waiting to die,
like trying to block the sound of drumfire
and explosions outside
and supress the fear
of breakdowns and screams at night.

doesn't it make you sad to think of the very beginning?
an old photograph kept in my head
the happy couple is whole again
they never endured the loss of innocence
never crossed the bridge to death
never had a child, 2 actually
to breathe in life so they could witness
so much agony
it's bullshit.

Monday, October 10, 2005


I feel like I'm right at the very threshold of happiness, but there's something so simple and so obvious that I just can't see that's keeping me from it. And I think I know what that is, but it's just so difficult. It's buried too deeply. At least I can now take a step out of my body and realize it.

Friday, October 07, 2005

time to get a new job

that's right!

o yea, and about a hundred-yr-old couple dented my car this evening! i'm having such a wonderful day!

thank god for anthony, who took me out to eat at cheescake factory to make me feel better.

Monday, October 03, 2005

alkaline trio show

so i saw my favorite band play last night. rock shows are all about getting up to the very front and being so close to everyone else that you're pushed and swayed and stepped on and elbowed and soaked in sweat, a little yours but mostly from all the other the bodies your slammed against...and i admit it was fun, but sometimes it got to be too much for me. i was there to support my fav band, but there were times when i wanted to breathe too while watching them. Alkaline Trio should NOT have been an opener for My Chemical Romance, but truth be told, i was a little disappointed by my experience in the audience and how my chemical romance outshined my band. i should have stepped back just a little to really take in and enjoy the music. o well, i still love them to death.

and i dunno why, afterwards i just felt a little lonely.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

even though it won't last

i'm pretty happy nowadays, for the most part.

school starts monday, got all my books. a whoppin $230. not including Brave New World.

i'll be studying in ITALY for spring qtr!

within the next month i'll be going to 5 concerts...first one (nin w/ queens of the stone age) starts this friday!

i've got enough to get my skull heart tattoo in a couple weeks...shh.

sax lessons are going great. this instrument is damn sexy.

Friday, September 23, 2005

because i have social anxiety disorder

ya know, even though i really only have 2 friends that i hang out with, my life feels more than full. even a little overwhelming at times, but i love them. in fact, whenever i try to include a new person to my life, it seems to take up so much energy on my part that i begin to wonder if it's even worth it and eventually cast them out, like a floating bubble that slowly levitates and pops. it's just that i'm such a shy and guarded person. it's emotionally draining to be forced past my social comfort zone for too long. i'd love to make new friends, but it's difficult.

treated my old friend brian to a meal at the gourmet diner for his last night in cupertino. he's off to ucla. i've lost touch with him too, i know, but tonight was great. starting school myself will be stressful but a relief at the same time. this summer has been long and dreamlike, with certain moments like nightmares, some emptily comatose, and some like the sweetest taste of heaven.

now that i finally no longer feel the need to smoke, anthony has gone and bought some strawberry cigarillos! oh rats...

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Peach Cigarillo

Once I couldn't get you out of my head
You're similar to but much stronger than my first cigarette
or the peach cigarillo that wouldn't burn at the end
it took 50 tries for the flame to give
And when it did
You set my heart on fire
then flicked away the ashes like you didn't give a shit.
Oh, the first taste is always the sweetest
the inhalation burns my throat
But I don't mind
I was dead inside
the emptiness ate at me from the core
like waking up thinking there's nothing to live for
until the smoke reached my head and opened my eyes
that was you
the greatest high of my life.
now I turn to fumes to light up the times.

Saturday, September 10, 2005


Let me tell you. I have never been more happy to be un-high than right now in my life. That scared the shit out of me. I am taking better care of Annie from now on.

Monday, September 05, 2005


ever since guillermo's party, i've had this obsession with smoking anything i can get my hands on. hookah, cigarettes, whatever. well, really, i use these as a substitute for what i've really been wanting, but that's alright, even cigarettes can get me a little buzzed.

the get-together at anthony's was lots of fun. smoked hookah and didn't sleep at all, went home at 7 a.m to help my brother pack and see him off for ucsd again. then work, work, work. i can't wait for my own school to start, even if it is just De Anza. i want to meet new people and move my life forward (and see all the freakin' concerts in october!). didn't do anything too big this summer, but there have been a few experiences that have had quite an impact on me.

i can proudly, finally, say i AM over my ex and our past horrible, tumultuous relationship. and this may not be very often or last very long, but for the most part, i am happy.

Sunday, August 21, 2005


i'm so confused. last night i went to a party at guillermo's and had my first weed 'baptism'. i don't think i got that high but i did feel the world get very light. something guillermo said made me think. i'm really just searching for understanding, like everyone else in this messed up world.

i was still a bit lightheaded at work but i felt okay. god this is so much easier than alcohol! then gradually as the day progressed i crashed, and i got really tired, couldn't think, could barely function at the register. it didn't help that the system on my register also crashed in the middle of a transaction, and somehow i always stumble my words or get confused and sound like a freakin idiot in front of my managers. DAMMNIT!!! i hate looking stupid.

anyways now i'm pretty low, and i really just want to go hang out with anthony and watch 'skeleton key' and laugh and be okay and forget everything for awhile. cuz i do find understanding in anthony, and maybe for a bit w/ guillermo.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

the hole is getting bigger

This bleedin' life
I wake up to reject the sun and try to fall back asleep
My dreams are incoherent thoughts of you
however unreal,
I'll take what happiness I can and leave
Go to work and come back home
The hole is getting bigger but somehow doesn't show
Unlike the scars on my arms
No one wants to ask but they already know
what the hell they're from
It doesn't matter, the pain's enough
to know I am in fact alive.
And these stupid, stupid boys
They think they can save me.
They offer me drugs
They offer me love
Don't they know
all I feel is fucking numb.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

depression is rage turned inwards

popular quote Freud, and i don't agree with everything he thought but this he nailed right on. now i'm not saying i'm Depressed but i can significantly identify with this, especially lately. i don't know what it is but i just feel this antsy need to escape from my stupid, boring, boring ass self or from this uneventful life i'm leading. i hate myself sometimes. i hate being plain and shy and inarticulate, uncreative, unsocial, unable to make people love me. i know this sounds trite, but i want to be someone else. no, i just want to be someone. someone with personality.

2 nights ago i ran up to Hunter's Point with Anthony. i'm so out of shape. my temples were pounding like hell by the time i got up there. but the view was beautiful. anthony pointed out the Golden Gate from up there to our left. it looked so close. we ate Doritos and drank Arizona ice tea and i took some pictures of anthony. it was a lonely feeling being up there, but not. at least i have anthony, one close friend i was able to keep throughout high school's many changes. and yes, alex deserves some credit for this year too.

Saturday, July 30, 2005


actually, the more time i spend thinking about it, the more i can remember things about my parents and the way they interacted with me (or didn't) which might have caused me to be the way i am. it's weird 'cuz i haven't thought of these memories for years.

then again, it's also in the genes.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Rocky Horror Picture Show

Last Saturday was the night I'd been excited and nervous as hell for! It was weird ass but I loved it and the weird ass night/early morning that followed. Thanks Anthony, Alex, Cameron for taggin along. Damn, I've got a crush.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

living with the past but still alive

Steve was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I hate him so much it keeps me awake at night.

Welp, happy to announce I just got a job at Bed Bath & Beyond, and it is by far the best paying and most clean (no greasy pizzas or sandwiches!) job I've ever had.

I will also be staying at DeAnza for a little longer, because I know I can do better.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

birthdays and weres

Today is Anthony's big 18 bday! Had a small celebration at my house and Denny's in the early morn around 12-5am. "Surprise" birthday movie night my my house later today. Def looking forward to it.

Lately I've been reading Bitten by Kelley Armstrong. I used to have a thing for vampires but this book about werewolves has really got me going. It's pretty wicked. Some might say it's childish but if these myths have been around for so long there's something in it that's awe-striking. I saw a movie called Ginger Snaps, which I am changing my blog title to, back around freshman year or something about weres and it sparked something in me that this book is bringing back. Here's some pics from the movie that I'm gonna get for sure when I'm not broke anymore:

this is the most beautiful blood-soaked girl pic i've ever seen

ginger screaming

ginger and bridgette are sisters

gettin her belly peirced with a silver ring

weres are cool

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

summmmmmmer classes

Registered for summer classes yesterday at De Anza with Anthony. It took a while and then went out to lunch finished off with a heavenly dessert of chocolate cake and gelato. Here's my summer schedule:

Strength Dev~~MTWTh ~~11am-11:50am <~w/ Alex
Psych 1~~~~~~TWTh~~~~3pm-5:20pm <~w/ Anthony

His of Art ~~~~TWTh~~~~6pm-8:20pm

Maybe pick up a second job. Yup, looks like fun.

from Anthony's xanga, senior all night party orgy

me sitting on siyu

Monday, June 13, 2005


Some pics from prom:

Thursday, June 02, 2005


Este es Guillermo. El trabaja con yo en el Pizza Hut. El es mucho guapo!

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Past Mistakes

My life has gone awry. Past mistakes are catching up to me. Sometimes I feel like crying. It's difficult. I need to let go, and I wish the best for him.

Anthony has spent the past 2 weeks getting me caught up and slightly more educated on STAR WARS so I will be prepared for the opening show of Episode III tomorrow, 9:10 AM showing. Of course we are losing sleep watching the all past Star Wars movies, but what the hell. I'm excited for it.

Looks like I'll be going to San Francisco State after all, as long as I pass this Arts 1a class. I'm looking forward to it. Some things I will hate to leave behind (all my friends!) and others...I desperately need to.

the bridge to my future city

Monday, April 11, 2005

Garbage concert

Whoaa definitely have a newfound respect for the band Garbage after last night's performance at The Warfield. It was crazy. We (Nick, Jon, Alex, Shauna, Anna, and I) started out 4 rows from the stage but after all the bursts of rocking out to Sherilyn Manson's voice and band, Anna, Jon and I ended up in the 2nd row! I was pretty damn close to the lead singer, Anna's hero. I love it best when I can jump to the pulse of the music and feel like one person with every one else's sweaty bodies surrounding me. It was exhausting but great.

Once again, we found ourselves in the city of San Francisco. This time we were able to visit San Francisco State University. I got great vibes from the campus; it was very chill and beautiful, and I really wanna go there now! I might just end up headin' up there this fall. The only downside would be leaving my friends and all the plans we had made...decisions decisions?

Thursday, March 31, 2005

San Fran Disaster

Anna and I drove to San Francisco today. We beat most of the traffic and parked at Market St. to pick up Shauna. Paid the meter for 8 minutes. I had to pee so we went into the mall to find a restroom. We got back and Anna's car was GONE. Anna thought it was stolen, but it turned out it was just towed away. We ended up going to the SF Hall of Justice just to pay $171.75 for it!

So that took up most of our time in SF. It was kinda exciting, except for the money part, damnit. Later we ate at the Hard Rock Cafe. Well, I think this is a sign that I shouldn't go to San Francisco State. Still had fun today though.

Monday, March 28, 2005


Hot damn!!! I passed the driver's test today!!! Now I can drive myself around legally! I am very proud of myself.

Spent 2 days with Anna and Alex dyeing and doing stuff to my hair and going to the mall. It was very tiring but fun, and I kinda like my hair now despite the strange color. Saw Anthony's play and then off to Fresno for the weekend, hung out with my cousin Alice. Now I'm back, I got my license, and my hair is straight again. Here are some pics from Anna and Alex's hard work:

Monday, March 07, 2005

Mark or Break

I feel like throwing myself against the mirror
to break the image
and feel the glass shatter
Or by accident
slip and tumble down the stairs
as if my bones didn't matter
But so far
all I've done are the marks on my arm
So far
all I've done is be cheated by your charm
It's not that I enjoy the pain
but when my chest tugs at an incessant ache
Burning through, I must find an outlet for the hurt
or break.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Streetlight music

I'm blasting some Papa Roach and Unwritten Law on my stereo right now. Been hangin with Nick and Jon from Middle College this past week and man they have really opened my eyes to the world of music - for some sweet cheap prices. I've bought 3 cd's, all 6 bucks each at Streetlight and Rasputin record store. I love 'em. Listening to stuff helps my moods.

Friday, February 18, 2005


I saw "Hitch" last night with Steve! It was really good and funny. Go watch it, if you wanna know how to get a date.

Well, I'm happy.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

midnight cinema

Hey, went to see a midnight showing with Anna and Shauna yesterday. Before it started the staff went around and took pictures of people with this gnome if people wanted it. At first I thought that was pretty random, but it turned out to be something to do with the movie, "Amelie." I guess it was pretty good. It's about this girl who does little things to fix other people's lives, meanwhile she falls in love with a guy she's never spoken to and leaves little clues to let him know. It's kinda cute. It's also kinda stupid 'cuz it would never happen in real life. In real life people get hurt. Bad.

Anna is the "Blonde Lady" btw.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Back then

I wasn't planning on it, but Anna convinced me to go tonight to the Middle College Parent Info night for next year's juniors and seniors. Looking at all them writing their little essays, wanting to be in the position I am, I realized I really f*d up my time here at De Anza. Applying to Middle College back then, I was so idealistic, back before I ever got in my first relationship, before everything bad happened.

I'm going to make what I can of my life now. But I think I'm going a little crazy.

Friday, February 04, 2005

Pick up the pieces.

Friday, January 28, 2005


Props to Anthony in SNL tonight! What I saw of it was a good show. Sorry I missed your acts...

Went to Outback with Steve yesterday. Yum.

Not feeling great right now, gotta do some essays. Or I think I'll sleep.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

a raise

Yey! I got a 21 cent raise! I now make $7.21 per hour. I WAS a little disappointed that it wasn't even a whole quarter more, but like my U.S Gov/Econ teacher said after the 2004 election O and L turnouts, "I don't complain about more money, I only complain about LESS." So yea, I'll take my 21 cents more thanks.

The ski trip was great. Yea, it didn't go exactly as planned, and I did come back limping with a few bruises, but skiing was so fun!!! If anyone is planning another ski trip, call me.

Friday, January 14, 2005

college update

I have been accepted into San Jose State (well, who hasn't?) and Cal State LA.

Happy, but I really want San Francisco State...and second choicedly San Diego State.

Anyways, going skiing with the Mika, Jess, and Elsa this weekend! Mika called me last night and was like, "How much do you know about the skiing trip? Well, we're leaving Saturday morning at 4 am." At first I didn't really want to go on such last minute...but this IS the last time I'll ever be able to go SKIING with my high school girls before we all split up at college.

I was right, btw, my schedule does suck. So much freakin work! Plus, lotsa make-up to do and hopefully I can turn my last quarter grades around.

Papa Roach, "Getting Away With Murder"

Saturday, January 08, 2005

6 bucks more

Fun times hangin out with Anthony on Friday. Ate Taco Bell and then stayed up till 3 watchin soaps, then till 4 arguing about actually getting some studying done or watching more soaps and studying at the same time.

Then Saturday night work, busiest (besides Fri) night of the week. I volunteered to stay till closing tonight (11 pm), thinking I'd get in some extra hours since I only have 4 days of work a week starting winter quarter. Around 8 I actually counted the hours and realized I'd only be getting about 1, maybe 1 and a half more hours in if I stayed till closing, 'cuz you're required to take a half hour unpaid break. Which, after taxes/social security and all for me, is only 6 bucks. 6 bucks to leave at 11 pm instead of 9 or 9:30. No tip tonight either. What crap.

Ah well, it's my fault for choosing these types of jobs. Gotta focus on school more now anyway (even though that's what I always say).

Papa Roach, "Scars"

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

winter quarter

I am creating a brand new blog.

Winter quarter just started and I am really lovin my schedule. Night classes make me feel alive. Then again, I always really love my classes in the beginning, then I get used to it and find that it sucks. School is alright. It gets my mind off things.

I've really been getting into heavy rock again lately, especially Papa Roach. I ordered their new cd "Getting Away With Murder" a few days ago, which is the title of this blog, for now. Then I bought Queens of the Stone Age from a used cd stand at De Anza today for 8 bucks. Music reflects life.

Papa Roach, "Getting Away With Murder"