Swimming through the universe, one light-year at a time.

Swimming through the universe, one light-year at a time.
NCG 4631 "The Whale Galaxy"

Sunday, August 21, 2005


i'm so confused. last night i went to a party at guillermo's and had my first weed 'baptism'. i don't think i got that high but i did feel the world get very light. something guillermo said made me think. i'm really just searching for understanding, like everyone else in this messed up world.

i was still a bit lightheaded at work but i felt okay. god this is so much easier than alcohol! then gradually as the day progressed i crashed, and i got really tired, couldn't think, could barely function at the register. it didn't help that the system on my register also crashed in the middle of a transaction, and somehow i always stumble my words or get confused and sound like a freakin idiot in front of my managers. DAMMNIT!!! i hate looking stupid.

anyways now i'm pretty low, and i really just want to go hang out with anthony and watch 'skeleton key' and laugh and be okay and forget everything for awhile. cuz i do find understanding in anthony, and maybe for a bit w/ guillermo.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

the hole is getting bigger

This bleedin' life
I wake up to reject the sun and try to fall back asleep
My dreams are incoherent thoughts of you
however unreal,
I'll take what happiness I can and leave
Go to work and come back home
The hole is getting bigger but somehow doesn't show
Unlike the scars on my arms
No one wants to ask but they already know
what the hell they're from
It doesn't matter, the pain's enough
to know I am in fact alive.
And these stupid, stupid boys
They think they can save me.
They offer me drugs
They offer me love
Don't they know
all I feel is fucking numb.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

depression is rage turned inwards

popular quote Freud, and i don't agree with everything he thought but this he nailed right on. now i'm not saying i'm Depressed but i can significantly identify with this, especially lately. i don't know what it is but i just feel this antsy need to escape from my stupid, boring, boring ass self or from this uneventful life i'm leading. i hate myself sometimes. i hate being plain and shy and inarticulate, uncreative, unsocial, unable to make people love me. i know this sounds trite, but i want to be someone else. no, i just want to be someone. someone with personality.

2 nights ago i ran up to Hunter's Point with Anthony. i'm so out of shape. my temples were pounding like hell by the time i got up there. but the view was beautiful. anthony pointed out the Golden Gate from up there to our left. it looked so close. we ate Doritos and drank Arizona ice tea and i took some pictures of anthony. it was a lonely feeling being up there, but not. at least i have anthony, one close friend i was able to keep throughout high school's many changes. and yes, alex deserves some credit for this year too.