Bleed American

A week ago, I painfully woke from a nap between classes and work, and groggily drove to my next obligation. But on this day, unlike so many others from the past two months, I looked outside as the sun shone on the parking lot outside the store where I work, and thought to myself, "What IS stopping me from being in control of my life?" This question followed me for the next few hours, tossing over and over again in my head while I cashiered, bagged, took money, gave change, smiled at customers, moved boxes, arranged bottles, until the answer became quite clear: nothing. And it was during those perfectly ordinary hours of my day that I decided to take my life back.

The past 2 months have been frustratingly depressing for me. I've been pulling 30+ hours a week at my new job, which devours my entire weekend and majority of the week. I have two days off where I am cramming in schoolwork and studying between classes, catching up with friends, family, household necessities, and sleep. I've been going to bed wretched and waking up angry, agitated by seeing my paycheck disappear to what seems like an insurmountable credit card debt, and aggravated by my friends for their well-intentioned, though time-consuming phone calls. But ever since the moment I decided to be in control, I've felt surprisingly more relaxed, taking on the same load but not fretting over life's blights. And maybe I'm just starting to get used to it.

This is not to say that all is peachy, for even as I write this blog I am tired. So tired, with so much to do this week, even the upcoming holiday gives me a few grey hairs. And I still have a bit of a grudge, and I can feel the urge to retract back inside myself. Solitude is a coping mechanism I've used against the pressures of the outside world for a long time, but one which is dangerous and cannot be over-indulged, for it is also a quick route to insanity. But I feel 10 times better than I did a week ago. Good news: I was accepted into the Physics and Astronomy Department at school, and I'm pretty sure I aced my first Pre-Calculus midterm. And I see no reason why I can't continue to do well, why I can't see my dreams through academically, why I can't get on top of my finances, why I can't be attractive and visit the gym regularly, why I can't make new friends and spend time with my current ones, why I can't read for fun or make music! I see daunting odds and obstacles ahead: days, weeks, years of exhaustion maybe, but I have no doubt of my ability to get through them.