Thursday, January 07, 2010
2009 doesn't have paragraphs.
Shortly after the holidays last year I received a phone call from my dad telling me my aunt was undergoing brain surgery to remove the larger tumors which had spread from her lungs. She had just been diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer. I was on a weekend excursion with my best friend, Anthony and was caught by the startling news which filled me with unease. Around this time, my first ex boyfriend, distraught and plagued by his past and present relationships, found me after four years to sort out old emotions. We had dinner, emailed each other several times, and even considered the possibility of rekindling an old romance, until he proved, for the last time, his inability love me. This destroyed me. This also put me at peace with the past. I moved places, twice, the first being a comfortably darker pit of the city. Ditto with my jobs. I bought a really crappy car, which my brother replaced with my old precious Rav4 out of the kindness of his heart. I took Physics 111 and loved the lectures, but became wrapped up in my two jobs, social life, and riches to get anything but a D. However, what began as a purely academic and perhaps business arrangement became a close and terrific friendship with my tutor, Samy. I dropped Pre-Calculus in the summer, but I retook Physics 111, finally joined a study group, made new friends, of course sought Samy's help, and pulled off a B+. I left both my jobs during these months, and it was beautiful. But I needed to pay off debt, so I was hired at Bevmo at summer's end and began a grueling and chaotic whirlwind of 30-40 hours a week while studying late nights and in-between work for 3 classes. This time, so wrapped up in work and academia, I barely had time for my social life, much less myself. I had several breakdowns, including broken objects in my room and strained friendships. Things hit rock bottom when I received two calls, one from my dad and another from my older brother, telling me that my aunt was not doing well and I should take the weekend off to see her. I took the weekend off, but worked Thursday, then hopped directly on the Greyhound and began my nightlong visit to LA. She passed away at 1:50 a.m. She was gone by the time I arrived by bus Friday morning, 2 weeks before Thanksgiving. I attended the wake ceremony and the funeral, but I had no chance to say goodbye. I then continued my schooling, continued heavy hours at work while battling feelings of depression and guilt. Thanksgiving came, the first holiday without my aunt. I spent 3 days with my friends in Vegas, San Diego and LA - the only vacation I allowed myself since the summer. Directly thereafter, I came down with a fever and bad cough - 2 weeks before finals. Somehow I managed to survive holiday hours and lines at work, severe stress with school, and hanging connections with my friends until it was all over. Christmas with my family was heartfelt. I couldn't love them more. "Life waits for no one," wrote my youngest cousin, Amy, and I have say it's true. Exactly how I feel. I wasn't ready for what 2009 brought, but 2010 will not wait for me.