Swimming through the universe, one light-year at a time.

Swimming through the universe, one light-year at a time.
NCG 4631 "The Whale Galaxy"

Monday, October 13, 2008

don't know what to do

I am currently at a pivotal point in my school career and life, but I am completely conflicted about which route to take. The past 2 semesters since I transferred have been utterly unproductive, and while I've enjoyed my life upon moving to SF, I need to start getting serious.

So do I attempt to take on the burden of studying Physics and Astronomy? Or do I go back to my original love: English.

Plunging into Calculus was a mistake. Physics 111 was a nightmare. These blatant signals all flash red and point me in the direction of giving up. While the thought of doing this takes off a shitload of weight off my shoulders, I can't help but feel extremely disappointed and broken-hearted, deep down.

I have never truly challenged myself. I have never believed in myself. And this was my chance. But am I just kidding myself?

I don't know what to do. And I feel like the ambivalence is tearing me down.

All men live in suffering,
I know as few can know,
Whether they take the upper road
Or stay content on the low,
Rower bent in his row-boat
Or weaver bent at his loom,
Horseman erect upon horseback
Or child hid in the womb.
-W.B. Yeats, from "The Wild Old Wicked Man"

3 comments:

that guy said...

your instincts are there to be followed
never doubt yourself
never lie (to yourself)
find what satisfies you and go for it
is physics/calc really that hard
or is it everything else plus that makes it so tough
stop putting yourself down
stop letting yourself down
that you were challenging yourself inspired me

Bob_Gneu said...

Well, i have to say that i can really connect with what you are saying. I hit calc 1B and totally failed. I got no traction, so =\

That said i am very sorry that you feel so terrible about your schooling. If nothing else i would like to open up conversation with you again soon. Maybe i can help you through some of the math and science. I may be a busy dude, but i am sure free enough to help a woman with as kind a heart as you.

MackDiva said...

Hi! I just found out that you've linked my blog to yours, and I'm deeply honored that you like what I'm doing enough to do that. Thanks for making my day.

As for your school situation, I have to admit that I felt that way during my time, too. I was majoring in music, and theory was kicking my ass in a major way. Then I got sick and had to drop all my classes close to the end of the semester. It was a dark period in my existence.

Don't think you've never challenged yourself. The fact that you're in school is a challenge in and of itself. As for believing in yourself, I don't know you well enough to comment on that. What I will say is that we all have moments of self-doubt. As long as we don't stay there, we're good.

What you do at this point really depends on what you want to do with your future. Would your plans be best served by taking Physics and Astronomy, or will English be more along the lines of what you want to do? Also, are you prepared to apply yourself to passing those classes? It's something to think about.

I hope that you can get past this moment and realize that you're already head & shoulders ahead of the rest -- and I'm not just saying that! :)

Have a great day!
MD