Swimming through the universe, one light-year at a time.

Swimming through the universe, one light-year at a time.
NCG 4631 "The Whale Galaxy"

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Whirlwind

I write now not because I have a specific subject in mind, but because I haven't expressed myself outwardly in a long time and feel a great knot has developed within. I am entangled in my emotions and the situations around me and find it hard see them from the calm, distant perspective of my psyche.

My current grades leave something to be desired, but I am not worried about them as I know the way I approach my studies are about to change drastically. I am, however, concerned about my social life and how it has and will continue to be affected by these obligations. I place my friends very high on my list of priorities, but am bothered by how very few seem to know or care just how much time I have to put into school. Not only is it a difficult subject matter by nature, but for someone like me who is not quantitatively inclined, it can be excruciatingly challenging and time-consuming. And this is not even including time taken away by work. I only ask that they understand and allow me my space during demanding days of the week. I am exhausted by my own inability to balance the various areas of my life.

I am angry because I have been damaged for a long time, and while some pain is necessary for character, I feel I was ruptured again at a point where I was in the process and perhaps even the completion of healing. I am angry that I let a stranger from my past be granted forgiveness only to have my trust shattered once again, and that this time I must take responsibility for my own demise. I am angry that I let the actions and misfortunes of stupid, inconsiderate individuals speak for those who would actually care and prevent me from seeing myself as worthy of such affection, and that I am psychologically bound by these bad experiences. I am also angry that those who think they are doing me a favor by offering me romance either already have or will only prove to do more to add to my anguish, and they cannot see what I really need more is their friendship. I am angry that I am so hurt, that I have given up so much, but I still have yet, or am emotionally incapable of accepting a genuine hand.

3 comments:

burntsolace said...

*Sends Hugs* I know how crazy school and trying to balance anything with it can be. If you ever need a friendly ear, or a low key evening of TV or something drop me a line.

Bob Chatman said...

I hope you are able to find your peace, dear. You have been through a lot, that i know about, and probably more since.

I also hope you were being dramatic with the term 'damaged,' because I have never seen you that way.

Annie Europa said...

thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. i may have a slightly cynical view of myself, but i am one lucky cynical bitch to have as good of friends as i do :)