It's around that time of month again, and I'm not talking about my menstrual cycle. Though for some reason I feel most like blogging around the 26th. Each few weeks changes rapidly, yet it's the same...
I'm taking an Images of Eroticism class this semester, and other than being able to watch some very enjoyable (and some NOT so enjoyable) erotic films, I feel I am getting something out of this course. One of the topics that came up today was our view of beauty, and the challenge thereof. For every day we are forced to consume this representation of what makes a person attractive, and while beauty is in the eye of the beholder, this eye is heavily influenced by our shallow and materialistic culture.
I, being female, being an Asian female, and not a bad-looking one at that, have never had a problem getting laid. Yet I feel, almost every day, the immense pressures of being a woman in this society. Because, let's face it: if I were fat, or old, or had a nose scrunched inside my face, who would want me? And that's the ugly truth: no one, or at least damn next to it. Not to say that every person who ever wanted me was shallow, for I consider myself far from what you would call "hot," but there will always be some outward aspect of anyone's attraction to me, and there is nothing wrong with that. My ideal is to find someone who thinks I'm one sexy bitch yet appreciates and respects my mind and heart above all else, and here is where it gets tricky. My first boyfriend loved to fuck me, could barely do anything but when we were together. Alas, his problem was that he didn't respect me, didn't value me or my thoughts, and through mind games and hurtful actions, made me feel deep shame for my body, as well as my soul.
What do I find beautiful? Hard to say, for I have been attracted to people of all sizes and shapes and genders and so on. However there are things I'm clear on: I like people who are not afraid to get dirty, who are intelligent and so comfortable with themselves that it naturally emanates from them onto me. I want someone who is not ashamed of him/herself, because for so long it has been made to seem like I should be of myself.