Swimming through the universe, one light-year at a time.

Swimming through the universe, one light-year at a time.
NCG 4631 "The Whale Galaxy"

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Fighting Depression

There is more to it than that I am broke, unsatisfied with my current job, up to my neck in debt, degree-less, and have fallen out of shape. Physically, hitting the gym a few days a week as I do on and off would be an easy prescription and boost endorphins, but it's not about my looks, which are average at best. Though I realize finances or the lack thereof make up the bulk of my unhappiness, it's not so much about the money than the loss in my sense of self.

Who the fuck am I? And what do I have to show for my life? Nothing. I know I'm not un-liked by others; I have a fair amount of friends in different circles and individuals I can hang out with. I get male attention, both sexually and from more emotional interests. Still, I often feel angry inside and so alone. I feel I have let people take advantage of my docile kindness and when I look back on them I feel a distinct rage. Both strangers and friends, even my best friend, whose 7 thousand dollar debt to me still remains unreturned, and his pace at finding a good job over a year after he has graduated from college so painfully fucking slow. Finances have put a strain on our relationship, and I feel distanced from him in my frustration.

I do enjoy what I'm doing, my goals toward a degree in Math, the tutoring gigs I've gotten. But the reality is I'm broke, the gigs barely pay, and I'm getting older and have less time to go after the other vocations I wanted, meanwhile my debt is stacking along with my doubts, and I have a sinking realization that I'll need to resort to other means of paying rent and tuition. Ever since summer school ended this depression has been crawling on me, slowly engulfing the optimism which usually balances out the blackness. This time, though, the blackness is winning.

So who am I? Just a vessel for others' use. That's all my life has shown me.


3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Keep your head up.

Bethel said...

You are a child of the loving God of the universe which you so intently study. Allow Him in your life and He will not hurt you like the rest. I promise. He loves you and died for you. You have worth and value, whether you have been mistreated or not. I am so sorry you have had sorrow and abuse in your life. Whoever you are, you didn't and don't deserve it.You deserve a good life and God has a plan for your life that is better than any plan you could make. He loves you enough to have died your death on the cross that you might be saved and forgiven. He loves you unconditionally, even when you screw up. That's God. Email me if you need to talk. Your posts made me sad for you. You deserve more.

Anonymous said...

to know who you are just look at the sky and smell the air and remember how u got here.

It is not about how fast or far can u go, it is just about surviving.
Work hard to keep what you already have and be proud of your hard work.