Swimming through the universe, one light-year at a time.

Swimming through the universe, one light-year at a time.
NCG 4631 "The Whale Galaxy"

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Quarter-life Crisis

Coming home to Cupertino used to be such a relief from the choking grip of city life. But ever since my mother caved to her depression, now San Francisco has become the welcome break from the suffocating stench of mental illness in my parents' home. As much as I want to spend time with my family, the effects of my mother's breakdown on me is hefty. Depression is an infectious fucker. All I want to do when I feel my mom's lackluster is pull the sheets over my head and sleep all day. Forget school, forget my friends, forget everything I used to know and love about life.

Perhaps the sudden arrival of my quarter-life crisis has also fueled an easy descent into mental instability, but I'm too stubborn to let it handicap my life the way it does my mother's, the way it used to mine. I find myself thinking about how much time I have wasted being down, when all I needed was to have completed a small task to have moved forward. Now I am 25, still 2 years and a semester shy from obtaining a Bachelors. The hell I am going to allow more time to be taken by my or others' pathology.

An important element to any life crisis is fantasy, and mine is no exception. I fantasize about the alter-personality of mine, the one that's sexily intelligent, cunning, attractive and strong. The one that has a Master's degree, a job in teaching mathematics, yet the freedom to steal away on the road on a whim's notice blasting classic rock riffs and wearing a black leather jacket. The one who is in control of her life. The imagination can either drive one to success or blind the same to disassociated failure, and I find it a tender balancing act.

"I hate my illness and I want to control it. This is what I believe to be true: You have to do everything you can and if you stay positive you have a shot at a silver lining."
~Silver Linings Playbook

1 comment:

Miriam Montana said...

Ni my dear, you are not the only who has these kind of problems.Believe me. I myself had an awful troubled year of 2012. My mother and my only daughter very sick. The youngest with complications of diabetes type I and the oldest, diagnosed with Alzheimer. Both very dear to me. Both so loved ones. Now, I'm doind all my best to saty alive and on my feet.I'm out of work for more than 6 monts.I'm a teacher at the university and I feel bad 'cause I can not work.I'm still taking cara of my daughter.She is better but still not all right to stay by her own alone at home.And my mom still knows who I am but says silly things she would never say before her illness.So, let's talk and see there are very many suffering all over.But we have to fight and try to be strong.I love life eventhough I sometimes cry a lot and sometimes it's hard for me to wake up, w3ash the dishes and go to the grocery store.But still have many dreams.One of them is learning this year tap dancing. Let's see if I get this come true.